Hell hath no fury...

Twisted scorn, indifferent demeanor
Cruel words, intense fervour
I wait my turn with poisonous spew
Frustrated. As the calm sweeps anew

Puppy love forever

Young love is the best of its kind. Or is it the only one of its kind? Although I want to believe that love evolves over time and our definition of what we call love changes as we grow, innately, I do think that the innocence with which we approach our young romances is the purest of its kind.

The distance I have travelled to meet him, the way I let his smile take all my worries away, the fierceness with which I fought to spend time with him, willing to pay my dues with college work, professional life, family and friends.

It makes me wonder if it’s the age where we learn to mould ourselves that brings about that fire to accommodate people in our lives while never letting it occur to us that we’d be different if it were not for their presence. If we turn out the way we do because we have become adapted versions of who we would be if it weren’t for some indispensible people in our lives. And that’s maybe why, we never learn to let go, of young loves and of who they made us into. And now, we seek someone who we can love while always caring for our evolved selves first, frequently wondering if something about them might be worth changing for and just as frequently telling ourselves that, “That wouldn’t be ME”

So much for a strong identity, so much for defense mechanisms and so much for bidding goodbye to innocent, unadulterated, pure joy of falling head over heels in love. Yes, young love is the best of its kind... and I never want to know any other. I won’t pay the price called happiness to guard myself. I want to fall absolutely, completely, foolishly head-over-heels in love...

Heard this one recently -

Oh! To fall in love again! What if it doesn't work out? But then, WHAT if it does...?

Somebody That I USED to Know

“And I don't even need your love”
We wish to matter, to those who matter. And to those who may not. The idea of not making any difference in others’ lives is so unrewarding that regardless of what our need for extension may be, we inherently gauge our self worth on the basis of how much we affect others’ lives. Triggering an emotion, positive or negative, is the measurement of relevance – the more intense another’s opinion, higher the relevance. The sense of loss I feel when I start to realise that I am in no position to affect anything in someone’s life is the ultimate resignation to worthlessness.

A few incidents come to mind when I think of the concept of loss in indifference. The latest one is from a college senior who rarely, if ever, expresses vulnerability. Neither does he look like the kind who might entertain notions of insecurity nor would one ever imagine that his/ her opinion of him might matter at all to him. So when he asks, “Would you forget me? That’s a man’s greatest fear. Becoming irrelevant”, it reiterates the concept of loss in indifference.

Another time, in the midst of a teary eyed goodbye, I found myself smiling and was asked, “How could you smile at a time like this?” And I said, “Because five years from now, it’ll be JUST a memory...”

There’s a calmness and rationality in this song that serves as an interlude to raging emotions. From the time when we tend to over analyse everything and read into every word, every action and think that the feeling will always be intense, the notion that it might not matter one day sounds ridiculous. How could it possibly not, right? But much as I enjoy romanticizing, even cherish it infact, keeping the connect with rationality keeps me alive

The Moment of Truth

Long overdue, my first post from MICA. While there are the trees, birds and skies to rant about, I shall leave that for another day and as the term goes, cut the long story short to document a trait that was brought to my notice, well, just today.

So when I fall short of doing something the right way, I make no excuses. It’s simple plain truth, always. And today I was asked “Why? It’s wise sometimes to put a person on, even when they know that it is what you’re doing.”

Isn’t honesty appreciated and doesn’t your word hold more water in times to come than it would have had the person known all along that he was being “put on”? I’m well aware that what I believe in is too idealistic to work concurrently with the realistic world we have been thrown into. And much as wishful thinking would see me basking on a planet far less stressful and a lot happier, I understand the need to cover one’s tracks every now and then. But while diplomacy isn’t a tact I’ve mastered (and do not wish to, thank you very much!), I have conditioned myself to facing the music every now and then in good humour. Then why make up white lies? Doesn’t it sound overrated and futile in the long run?

Examples:
Consumer Behaviour Prof. in class: What are you doing with your laptop?
Me: Working on an assignment

Consumer Behaviour Prof.: Why are you late? Where were you?
Me: In my room. Sleeping.

Communication Theory Prof.: What were you reading during my class? CT related?
Me: No, EBF.
Prof: Why?
Me: We had a pre-read.

Classmate: Why weren’t you there for the assignment yesterday?
Me: I slept off.

So you see, excuses do not spring into my head at the drop of a hat. They can if I wish to make some but I choose to save them for a future date when they’ll really come in handy.
Until then, subconsciously, I build the credibility to bail myself out of troubled waters - to evade that moment of truth - because right now, it seems like the calm before the storm...

Jack Nicholson in "A Few Good Men" - in one of my all time favourite court room drama scenes.
(P.S: Picture added to break monotony and has no relevance whatsoever to this post!)

't all looks G(r)eek!

The end of something is always the beginning of something new. And much as I feel the pangs of moving past the only city I have always known and held so dear, there’s a part of me that wants to get away and see, just how exciting life can get.
See what’s in store
Learn to swell it ever more
And while we usually head from Alpha to Omega,
I’d rather bring the latter to the fore!

Just skimmed through a blog written by a current student of MICA. Diligently maintained over a period of one year that he has completed so far, the blog touches upon the routine life right from the moment you set foot in the college. And for all the gyaan I have been giving my batchmates about how not to try to find out anything about the college and make the excitement last, I couldn’t help taking a look at this blog and was I in for a treat!

Let me start at the beginning. Yes, it’s been my dream institute. It has seemed like the only thing I’d be happy doing and the only thing worth doing really. And 6th April 2011 was the second time I heard the Director read out my name among the spot admission offer candidates – though the Director had changed from 2009 to 2011! I had imagined the moment to resemble a scene from a movie depicting an underdog victory. Inspirational music, slow motion, heart-warming, heart-rendering dramatic emotional extravaganza – the whole deal! Instead, it was a moment of relief like I had never felt before, a smile so inconspicuous, I wouldn’t recognize if I stared myself in the face, a calm that moved my fingers to dial my mother’s number automatically – a mere reflex. It wasn’t happiness, it was absolution. Life had just begun…

Now this was well over a month ago, almost two now! And while the joining date is still 25 days away, I am done with everything there is to do to kill time in Pune. Sleeping, watching movies, TV series, surfing the net, meeting long lost friends, reading this book and that, blah blah blah. You get the gist. I’m bored of doing the same thing for so long and even more so because now that I know life’s going to start afresh, I can hardly wait!

Having said that, admission at MICA came as a shock that didn’t quite set in – somewhere between the obvious and disbelief - and swiftly moved to becoming only the obvious in two weeks’ time. And since, I have been at a loss for keeping myself occupied constructively. The excitement wore off a month later and I’ve been investing time, unwisely so, in everything that never really mattered and everything that never will again. Until – I read this blog – the first ten entries just shook me up and made me realize that I’m living a dream. There’s so much to come in the next two years – a mere snapshot of it got my adrenaline pumping and it really seems like MICA will bring me to life…

Pack & Go

To start with why certain experiences leave a mark on an individual, it’s important to know where he comes from. On landing a job in Mumbai, it wasn’t the prospect of working in the Maximum City that got my adrenaline pumping, it was the company I was slated to join that got me excited and the thrill of leaving home to be out in the world, on my own for the very first time.

While independence and freedom to do your own thing have oft been quoted as reasons by my friends to move out and live on their own, it’d be unfair to say that I hadn’t received these priviledges in Pune and was prompted to leave. I have always had my freedom and when I didn’t get it served on a silver platter, I fought for it. No, it definitely wasn’t to be ‘free & independent’ that I relocated.

In Pune, my day always started with my dreams distorting in muted agony until I realized it was the seamless union of my subconscious’ manifestation and my mum’s voice calling out to say, “It’s (about) time to wake!” A slave to my taste buds, I’ve loved eating out since I was a child and eating home-cooked meals was always an unavoidable punishment. But I have good reasons for turning out to be a fast-food junkie. Always one with a job, cooking & cleaning are deemed a waste of time by mum who has neither the time nor the patience to bother much with either. As I write, her quote unquote “Delicious mixed sabji with paneer & karela is kept in the fridge,” She is above botheration of which veggies can or can’t be cooked together. But more on that later.

I had never lived with an alarm waking me, commuting (using all possible means of public transport) for 2 hours each way & viewing home cooked food as a luxury I couldn’t afford. I had to cook my own food (if time permitted which is never), serve my own plate, fold my clothes, buy grocery, fruits & veggies and worse, pay my own bills! But I was learning…



When I reached Mumbai, I did not know
• What town was & what the western suburbs were.
• That Central line met the Western line at Dadar and the Harbour Line at Kurla.
• That there are THREE railway lines running north-south on the elongated strip named Mumbai.

But I learnt. Much more than I thought I would.

Tis' the time to move...ON!

Why not? Certain words are ringing in my head every now and then and putting it down on paper (aptly replaced by the virtual window) will rid me of the thoughts plaguing my (thankfully still!) juvenile mind


Your icy voice put out the stars
It cracked my heart, and broke it in splinters
Your tone as cold as Colorado winters

But I promise to soon forget
The contract we almost made… you'll feel
The quick response of an equal
As the dream begins to fade
I'll drown you in pseudo kindness
and a casual, friendly glance
I can almost imagine your blindness
as I watch and wait
for the chance
To suddenly - cruelly – let you know
How easy it was to let you go


It's the time for new beginnings
Is there remorse? Yes. Bitterness? Yes. Will it go away? Definitely, Yes!! And that’s the knowledge that makes life worth living! It's time for a fresh start.


The Koru, shaped in the form of an unfurling spiral represents the unfolding silver fern frond. It symbolizes new beginnings in life.

Making fresh starts, knowing well what the past has taught and yet, not letting it hinder your faith – in people, in situations and in yourself is, undoubtedly, a task easier said than done. But I see not why someone else should bear the brunt of my mistakes, why trust should not be placed in a worthy soul and why innocence should be lost in interactions to come. I like the simple life where trust is placed without collateral, naïveté brings unadulterated joy and expectations are not imposed but met anyway…